Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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