I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
