This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
