If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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