I look better un-naked...
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
