I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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