I feel great
I just peed on a car
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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