If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
