I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
