I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
