Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
