I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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