Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
