I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
