So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
