The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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