She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize