I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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