I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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