I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
