'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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