i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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