I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
