I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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