yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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