Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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