i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
