I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
