my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
