Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
