We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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