i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
