Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
