I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize