checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
