We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
