Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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