This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
