actually, I'm a sock model
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
