see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i came on her dog
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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