Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
