hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
