I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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