That's when you crack a 10am beer
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
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