I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
