peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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