My liver just broke up with me...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
