mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize