I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
