You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
