He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
id be glad to
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
