He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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