At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
