"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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