Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize