hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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