No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize