and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
