boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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