my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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